How I see it all...

So here I am posting a blog. That should at least make one person I know happy. Despite having the itching to write time and time again, I have simply chosen not to. It's not that I didn't have the desire. I think the issue is that I'm starting the spiral downward into idiocy that I always do when my life follows the path that I so enjoy. All things aside however, I am finding that I have a problem. Several actually. I think I'll be vain and focus on the one that bothers me most at this moment. I'm fat. Yes, I know. I'm that guy that was always perceived to be on the thin side of things with no hope of gaining any weight. The metabolism it out the window. The intellect went right out with it. Thank God I still have moral foundation and decent night vision. About being fat though, I was at a party tonight and realized that I hate what I've become physically. I guess that somewhere along the line I tossed self discipline out the window and just started filling my face. I suppose that I could get away with saying that I am eating as a reflex to fill some other void though. The problem there is that "I feel fantastic". I think I'm going to blame it on Stream still. On to other things? Right. So I'm very much in love with a certain someone and it's been a bit over four months now that this has been the case. I expect that this bit is merely a shoutout to her in that I do love her very much and wouldn't have my heart any other way. She might feel like she's losing me or that I'm slipping away but I would assure her that this is not the case. I think that I'm just taking a deeper look at myself these days and reflecting solomnly on what I see. That's absolute worse case scenario. So as there's nothing left for me to think of as I'm awake after 4 hours of sleep, I'm going to sit here and let my mind continue to rot away. That way, there'll be less here for the zombies to eat when they attack and so they'll come after you guys. I hope every one is doing well despite the wave of unemployment. Maybe we'll joke about it some more with another round of Apples to Apples. Don't forget the big fat cocks.

The following is a list of things that aren't important or can not be had because of the association that they bear. I understand that some of it may seem to be nonsense but it's okay. This is my investment to my "forever" and that's what matters. My yesterday can be no more for whatever is is and my tomorrow is the only thing that counts. It works right? I mean, it's like a memory card that has no data on it because it hasn't been written and all of what it had previously has been erased because it's not important no matter how long you intend to keep it. Let's get on with it.

1.) One green bracelet. This item was given to me as a sign of good luck as it doesn't ever seem to fail. As it's one of the bigger causes for this purge, it's number one on the list. I'd offer it to any of you that want it to bring yourselves luck but it's mysteriously vanished.

2.) One colored picture of a Stitch. I can understand why this has to go but we all know that Stitch will still be my homeboy.

3.) One stuffed Hawaiian clad Stitch. This guy is absolutely adorable. I hate to see him go but he'll be fine I'm sure. He doesn't need to eat or drink or even sleep though he does cuddle well. He won't even make a mess to clean up after and even tries to help out by supporting printers during moves.

4.) One black and silver side bag. This bag needs to go due to the fact that it was given to me in an assortment of other things for my birthday by a previous girlfriend. The bag has served me well in carrying many things for many different tasks. Lately, it's been trusted with carrying a $1300.00 laptop.

5.) One black leather wallet. This wallet was given to me as a present for my 18'th birthday from an ex-girlfriend. It's been used to carry so many different things from licenses to identification to money and such. It's been with me for 6 years now. Oh how time flies and how things within can endure. I hate to see it go but as it was part of me prior to March of 2009, it has to move on.

6.) One black undershirt. This shirt has to go because it was purchased during a summer excursion back in 2002. I know...A shirt for someone my age that's worn seven years later? It's been a keeper but it's time to let it go as it was worn during that summer of a forbidden love.


I know that there are many other things in my day to day that seemingly sit off to the side that bear a huge level of history for me but I can't remember them at the moment. I'll come back and start removing things as they come. It's one of the important steps of getting rid of everything else that may have once mattered and being a new person each and every time you wake up. Ever seen 40 first dates? That's how it should be.

A moment of notice when the world stand still
A quickening of breath aroused by the thrill
A heart beating so fast but no one cares
A moan is the sound that fills the air
A brush of my lips against her flesh
A flush of color rising in her chest
A thrust of pleasure driven by pure desire
A scratch and a bite that takes us higher
A pure white void when it all falls away
A perfect moment for for each passing day

It's another blog and another day. The difference in the matter is that the days have been passing but the blogs haven't been published. It seems more than ever now that I am unable to find clarity in my thoughts. Lately, I've been seeing so much of everything else in the world that I really have no business being involved with. Aside from that, the story is all the same from the last time. I still can't find a job. I still can't find myself. I still stand alone in a world where those that are supposed to do the least are actually doing the most. It's kind of funny how that works. Someone tells you that you can count on them and then they're not there. Then, it's those that have neither promised nor offered nothing in the past that are there to catch you when you fall. It's like having a sudden saviour in the matter. I suppose that in good time, it will all work itself out. In the meantime, I suppose I'll just be doing the regular. I'll keep looking and keep myself busy with the trivial tasks of feeling like I have a purpose. Despite how I never expected to associate with many of them ever again, I am bringing people from a past back into my world. It isn't that they ever truly left as we still chop chop and such. Now, we're going to take it to another world where fireballs and swords and undead prevail. It can't be anything but fun right? We'll see. In other news, I think that a sudden and severe impact that I have experienced more than once in my recent life may have actually caused damage. Either that or I need to stop thinking so much. You'll understand what I mean I suppose. I'm hoping that it's the latter. Well, I suppose that's it for such a short notice in a blog. Here's to the fifth of May and a nice day outside. Here's to being tired but not wanting to sleep. Here's to love. Here's to breakfast with a truly amazing person. Good day and take care.

I can't just say no...I mean, the whole world of my peers tells me that it's a bad idea. Even my mind is reeling with the bad outcome that this could have. I have to stay strong and keep up the brick wall that assures the world looking into me, especially her, that I am certain that this is an okay thing.

NO! This can't be. Gah. I mean, what am I supposed to think in the matter?

Taking a look into your history John, what do we see?

Oh yeah...that...and that...and that too.

C'mon John. It's a different situation right?

No.

Okay but you do have faith in her as a person right?

Yes...Of course I do...It's just...

Just what?

Well, no one is infallible...

Yeah...I suppose so but...I mean, I want her and I need her to face this. I guess that there's a couple of different ways that this could pan out...

On one hand, she returns to this place that she has known to arms, that may or may not want her and then realizes that this is what she has been missing for so long. It's the easier route in the worldly sense. In that, there's more to claim and a smoother transition into each new experience as this is something that has been running for quite some time. She returns to you to tell you this and then you fade into the world of countless voices.

Wait wait...What about fighting for her? You know, "fight a bitch"?

Her call really. You know us. We're the kind of person that will allow a soul to take whatever it wants as it pleases. However, we wont let it have us at the same time that is desires something else.

Yeah yeah, I know. If she wants something else, then she can't have us too...

Right. Now, on the other hand it could go something like this.

She returns to the situation and sees what it is that's being played forth and then realizes that there's something elsewhere that she is holding on to. In realizing this, she could either stay in an uncommitted to the moment sense or simply walk away. In either case, it will be a defining moment for a pathway in the future.

How so?

Well, either she realizes that she can or cannot be friends with this person...Or she decides that she wants the old feelings again...That she wants more than the friendship, and the warmth of something old and familiar.

Lovely.

Yeah...So...now what?

I suppose you sit back, be a brick wall and say that you're not concerned one bit and see how it plays out.

"I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with."


I can understand this. It truly is a sentiment and a vision that we may have held for so long within ourselves. Once that isn't the case anymore, no matter what reality is, we can't see ourselves in something else for a while.


"Humans are creatures of sentiment - yes, I know. Honestly... fuck... I can't trust myself in the situations that I may have been put in. Main reason I didn't go. I don't know what I'd be capable of seeing through intuition and reading him in the situation. I don't know what I'd be able to avoid. Most of all... I don't know how I feel about him anymore."


I'm not sure what to tell you about your insecurities in yourself control...I appreciate that you didn't go knowing this. As for not knowing how you feel...I think that's the bigger issue.


"I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me."


Absolutely. I would be telling a lie if I said that I wouldn't be worrying...I just can't show it...I have to be secure in myself and tell myself that everything will be okay. I have faith in you.


"Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is."


I think that it probably is what can best be described as sentiment...If it's not...then...I don't know.


"I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires."


I'm not entirely sure what to say about this...I give myself over completely so that in seeing who we are as people, we can decide what's worth holding on to and what's not. It is a nomadic lifestyle I think...I don't think I've ever explained to you that I need an anchor to keep me somewhere. I've not truly experienced "home" in a while. There's the saying "Home is where your heart is." That's true for me in this case. When my heart isn't there anymore, it's time for a new home. I don't choose though...


"For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all."


She did want Virginia...maybe not more now that I think about it. She wasn't willing to do what it took to keep me either. She wasn't willing to be mine entirely. I was willing to be hers in all accounts. No ghosts of my past to linger in our moments of now. No sentiment for something in the past. No desires for anything other than the now and what it could become. As for me being okay with it, I sometimes question my ability to feel anything other than love. I know pain, yes...But it's such a gray thing to me that I don't even recognize it sometimes. Everything else...falls short.


"It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need."


You're everything I need. In your thought of falling short here, also consider what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond. If you're uncomfortable with the idea here as you may be...Eliminate it.


"Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were."


We know that it can. Example: Now.


"I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?"


It saddens me to say this but no...Time doesn't really fix it. You need to face it. It might turn out where you want to be. It might turn out to be something you really don't want. In either case, you need to make up your mind right then. Walk away forever or run back with open arms.


"You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing."


I wanted to know so that I would have a closer bond with you in that you were open with me and that I could assure you in all points that there is nothing to worry about in yourself. As for my own insecurities, I don't think I have any physical ones...Generally I think this is due to the fact that the human body means very little to me.


"I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I..."

You don't need to want something else more. All you need to want is something else. Period...

Someone suggested that maybe it was a rip in time that we've fallen into that leads us to where where are now. Perhaps it's just the two of us watching the rest of the world pass us by oh so slowly wherein our own sense of reality is zipping away at speeds unimaginable. I would argue that it really doesn't matter though. Am I happy? Yes. Do I feel whole? Yes. Why am I still wanting? I don't know...Actually, I have a couple of ideas. It seems that our world is broken into tiny little facets that reflect what each angle of our lives face and are drawn upon. It's a little bit sad to think that there isn't a single point that doesn't involve money. Was there ever a point in our world when this wasn't the case? Was there ever a time when simple things like love, hope, direction, or happiness were ever sustained on something else? Faith perhaps? It seems that these days that faith is a dying idea that is only held as an unobtainable concept. I was created into this reality with one objective.

This is my new blog entry but I want to save the details for after tonight. I will be back. I promise!

Birthdays and information and music and thoughts and sex and food and laundry and then dishes and money and candles and cats and jobs. Tabbed browsing much? I'd say so. It's a muddled mess of things up there. Then again, muddled sounds so passive. A still puddle that's been recently stirred so that the mess below darkens the water so that you can't see your reflection on the surface. That's not what this is at all then. This is a torrential series of rapids that crash upon the rocks of the world. There's far too many droplets of thought splashing this way and that to even try to gather it all up into something organized. I suppose I'll just settle for what I can.

As it seems that I can't really write about anything by true words and images, I have to settle to voice it all by secondary thoughts and what it reminds me of. Feelings. How do we paint them out beyond just simply saying it.

Instead we do it by code.

I think that as I'm super busy (sarcasm) on this lovely April Fools Day, I'll take a moment to write a blog entry about I don't know what. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I'll write about some people I know. I'm sure you'll figure out which one you are if you're included.

You're supposed to be so much more but you don't seem to have a drive for anything else. I mean, I suppose you could truly be completely content with your existence but it just doesn't seem to make sense. Seriously? You're going to live forever and that's how you want to do it? To each their own I suppose. Lately, you've been worrying me. I know that you said you're drowning but there isn't anything there that compels me to save you...I don't think you even care about anything outside of your world anymore. I don't know how it got that way but I suppose you'll either one day wake up and realize that you're completely alone...or you won't. I can't say I blame you sometimes. Humanity as it is tends to be rather depressing. No matter what we do to save them, they keep digging deeper and deeper into their troubles. I suppose that each of us could say the same of ourselves though. In any event, as the moments pass, I feel that you are more and more detached from me as I am from you. Time off seems like a good idea now as there isn't much we can do to come to terms with appreciation of one another. I wish you the best of luck in your future edeavors and I know we'll pass again. We're eternal.

I sometimes wish that you could be part of my world. I know that your eyes look upon it from time to time. You're a beautiful creature in that you're so frail in the physical sense but I commend you greatly on the point that you have stuck around for so long. I know it's often difficult for me to be able to discern the sensation of the love that I feel for you as a friend and that as a lover. I think I may have finally managed to coordinate some control over that recently and though I'm sometimes left wondering, I know that it's better this way. I know you can't wait forever and I really don't expect you to. I suppose I'm simply taking your time for granted sometimes.

**Meeting** Finish later.

I had bit of a revelation yesterday...You all know that there are some minds that I simply cannot read no matter how much I long to. Due to this, I am left in assumption and we all know what they say about that. Perhaps words can now be spoken instead?

As for words, that's another story. I was once told that the way we place together our thoughts in writing should be much the same as we speak them. I usually find this to be true but lately, I have been complaining that it seems that my "pen" has been stolen from right under me. I had a bit of a thought in that perhaps it was the social display that I have been taking in all around me that was causing this inability to pronounce what it is that I wish to push out. So in that, is there anything that any of you listen to that helps you to write? I can only hope that I'll be able to recapture my eloquence. If that never happens, perhaps I'll find something else that I can speak through.

I've stepped away from this for a while now. I really can't seem to muster the thoughts needed to write something from within when I can't truly voice anything I'm feeling. I think I jumped on at this moment because I can actually feel the bubbling of a sensation that I imagined would come much sooner. It's strange that I can feel it despite being on the run with work and scheduling and such. However, here it is...

About a week ago, I watched my best friend walk through the gates to go back to a place that I'm sure she loves. I can't help but to wonder now when she assured me that passing everything up for me was completely worth it all though. I mean, it couldn't be right? How can you sacrifice something that you care so much about in place of something that's just a surreal moment in ones life? It was surreal right? I'm not saying that I'm not happy because I am and I wonder if those of you that read this will ask about the depth of what I profess. I mean it all though. It's a strange rush of I don't know what. I reflect back on it and it makes me happy. I have a burn on my arm that I can smile at. I have a knee that is cramped but it isn't really noticed because I have a hand holding mine as the world passes by at 90 miles an hour. I have vomit on a wall but that's okay because we're all in touch with one another. What binds us in this world? What causes us to feel and to bear sentiment towards a person and our experiences? I think it's an unexplainable force called love. If that's it, then I do love. I was recently told that I don't feel. I don't know what it is that drives me then if that's not it. It's an arrow in life that flies in the direction that it's pointed and I have no choice but to follow. Much of this will probably be passed aside in thought as it makes no sense but I think it's the best that I can muster in these moments of the drowning white that seems to consume my thoughts. I will try however to fight for the surface that I know exists. The world around me has seen it and I beg you all to not forget me or forget who I am. It may be getting boring by now but there is still much to know in all aspects. I have fallen and I like where it is. If my world is rushing by too quickly, call out for me and I will try to take you along. If it's a place you don't wish to go, then I'll do all that I can to wait. And even now, this white clouds me. A message has arrived from someone. I haven't checked it yet...But my cage has beckoned and I have no choice but to enter. I'll check it and then lose you now...The feeling is already fading and I suppose that's a good thing for the moment. Remember to smile for me as it makes my day. I might not be able to cry out or even simply cry at all...Until next time...Do not let me be forgotten. Though flickering, I still burn.

I wake in a world so bright. The thoughts rush my mind before I can even begin to remember who I am. Did I sleep well? Did I dream? What of the world today? What of this "now" can I hope to capture when it floods out from within before my eyes even open? How can I begin to try and write the past when I don't see where it started? I understand. My voice is not gone because of lack of clarity and vision. My voice is gone because things are clearer now and seen more than they ever have been before. It's a sensory overload. There is no room to remember when the incessant flow of the "now" and "will be" overwhelms all that I am able to comprehend. Must I be broken and without to be able to voice all that know? Even now I must close my eyes and dampen my hearing in order to bring forth these thoughts. I think I am ready.

I started in a world where all are expected to fail. It's nothing personal. It's just the way some cards are dealt. To bear a sense of order in all of society, people like me need to exist. To advance in life, you need stepping stones. I was a stepping stone once.

I guess that looking up into the soles of the shoes all around wasn't the plan. I guess someone wanted to see what happens when you give the ants something to fight back with. "Statistics show that despite what we provide for them, they will still fall in line with where they have come from. They will still fail, even with the tools that we have given them to succeed." Was I statistic? Will I fail like the other 97 around me are predicted to do? Perhaps.

My mother will die. That's what I was told. I didn't care. The people that came to me seemed nice. They gave me things that captured my attention and took me away from the world I was in.

I don't know what happened next but I do remember that my new home was nice. There were trees and a large yard to play in. I didn't see my neighbors because of a huge privacy fence. The new house smelled different. Actually, everything smelled different. It was an entirely new world. Who was Mrs. Green?

They said that this man was a doctor. He was going to be able to tell me what was wrong with me. I didn't know that there was anything wrong with me. He had a really neat pen that had a ball of blue liquid on top of it that would bubble when you held it. We played board games and he liked to talk. I took a nap every time I went to see him. I remember waking up one time after having a terrible dream that my brother and sister and I were all naked together. I think that another man was touching us.

School was interesting. I didn't know that it cost so much to go. The school I went to when I lived back there was free wasn't it? This new place with my grandparents was certainly much different.

I still see the doctor once a week. We play games still but he wants me to sleep more and more when I come to visit. He calls it hypnosis and tells me that I can play with the nifty pen when we're done. I wake up and he asks me to wait right outside while he talks to my grandmother. I ask my grandmother who Mrs. Green is. She says that we can have McDonald's now. I like McDonald's.

I turned 9 years old today. My grandfather got me a watch that was even waterproof. I met a friend at a lake but I couldn't find my way home so he had to take me. He said we had a nice house. I told him that I would ask if he could come over sometime to play.

I got my report card today. I got straight A's and my grandparents were happy. They told me that they were happy that I enjoyed school. I only had one friend at school. Michael. He taught me how to draw tornadoes. He could draw really well. I preferred to read while he drew as the other kids played soccer. I didn't enjoy the other kids. I was much faster and stronger than they were. It got boring very quickly.

I didn't have to go see the doctor anymore. I guess I wasn't sick after all. I wasn't happy that I wasn't going to be able to play with the pen anymore. I still didn't know who Mrs. Green was.

My friend that I met at the lake turned out to be a great guy. We would go fishing whenever my grandparents would let me. I was older than he was. He knew all about the area we would play in. His mom was really nice too but his father drank a lot of beer. I didn't like the smell of beer.

Summer came and I was excited that vacation was going to begin. I could go fishing every day!

I was told that school was starting in just a week. What about summer vacation? This place that my grandparents lived in was different. I had to go to a different school during summer break here. I didn't know why.

We flew for what seemed like forever to come to this new school. Planes weren't as scary as I thought. All of the people here talked funny. I arrived at my new school and was shown to my room. I had my own room at a school? What kind of school was this?

So last night was definitely not carried out as expected. I truly did have the intention to attend my event, bowl super well, win a million dollars, drink a bit and then, go home. It didn't exactly happen like that but I'm not complaining.

Rewinding a bit. Anyone that bothers to read this knows that I am having some..."troubles" per se. Ever notice that you feel that there is a task that you need to carry out but no matter how good your intentions, it's not going as planned? That's the case here for me. I'm in a relationship with my best friend and simply recognizing the differences there begs me to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole thing. Can you imagine loving someone and truly believing that you're in love with them for who they are but know that despite this, you aren't for them? I think that's the thing that I have been responsible enough to recognize and even mustered the courage to take action in trying to make sure that preservation of that friendship takes place...

Hours have passed since I have set to writing this. I'll have to re-organize my thoughts and come back to this. I'm sorry.

I want pizza and books...

Is it bad that I wake each day not remembering where I was or who I was with but then when the fog clears, I almost wish that I could curl back up into it? I dream of something that's from time past and I'm not sure how to go about retrieving it for the here and now. I suppose I'll just have to fondly remember it and live within my dreams...Cheesy, I know. However, I am sitting here with my legs aching for some unknown reason and pondering why in the world a friend of mine is insisting on sending me text messages about being gay with Kenyans. Hinder- Get Stoned is also going off in the background and though it makes it hard to think, I guess it's something to take my reeling mind off of the world and the current events. I know I'm avoiding the most prominent thoughts in my mind but I think I'm currently at a standstill in what to say or do about it all. I know it's chip choppy but I'm going to go at that. I can't think. I pray maybe that a late night discovery of my mind will encourage me to pick back up.

I wake up this morning to eyes looking over me from across the room. As she sat there and stared, she simply said "You're in Trouble." Someone recently had a debate with me about the importance of honesty and though we all have different perspectives of the world, it is important that we communicate openly with those that matter to us. I will be truthful in confessing that I will lie if I feel that there is need. That I aside, I plunged into the matter of explaining that actuality of everything and my reason for doing that which I do.

Here in this very moment, I realize that this may very well turn into a journal. I have been wanting to find the means to type out my feelings all day but my thoughts seem to have been locked away in a box that's been buried into infinite depths. Here's my attempt.

Under a gray filled sky, I made the call and said I wouldn't be there. I needed time to myself. She said she understood and quickly faded away.

I couldn't hear what she was saying. I needed to run and breathe. When I came back, she was a million miles away.

As we talked in the living room, I told her I would be leaving. I wouldn't ever be back. She cried but knew that asking me to stay wouldn't change the reality of the matter.

I walked with her down the road and thought "C'est ma faut..." Tears streamed down her face but I couldn't tell as they were hidden by the rain.

What binds our hearts together and what force is there that tears them back apart? I have known love in the past and I know it now. Despite our experiences, do we ever truly understand it? Sometimes I will be asked "Do you love me? Are you in love with me? Why do you love me? How do you know?" I never know of an answer that's good enough. Is there a word or a description that can encompass this feeling and be spoken as a sufficient reply?

My breath catches in my chest. Subconsciously, I'm following you with my eyes as I'm entranced by the very idea that you exist. I hear your voice above all others though it was only a brief whisper. I'm pleased when you lock eyes but I blush on the inside and hope that I meet your approval. When you're away, time drags by til next we meet.

Why must humans love? Despite creating the happiest moments in a life, it brings forth complications that are enormous when compared to the trials of one that walks alone. I suppose it's a good thing that this pair of souls will be there to stand together through it.

Sadly, the divorce rate is incredibly high. I suppose that the whole "Til death do us part" for some isn't as serious as it needs to be. What would you do if you were immortal?



I'm very sorry. My words are coming out as sludge and I can't seem to organize my thoughts. It's as if the intended eloquence is being blended with trash and spewed from a hose all over this. I'll try another time when I am able to focus.

So i totally understand the high school girl bit thing now. I totally have it. It was totally awesome to actually dive into a pool, surface naked, and nearly drowning due to the absolute lack of heat. Then, to sit and confess everything and feel completely right about it? Priceless. Following that, I ingested a chicken on a bun that was determined to cover me in sauce.. Next, we began the adventures home. Overall, nothing was accomplished. That aside, my world is a MUCH better place.

"dfljkshdfjklafhad" just for you.

PS, turn it off by holding the power button at the top until it askes if you want to turn it off.

Good night world.
=(^_^)=

I'm sitting here in the office today as Stephanie dances and pets me and decided that I would create a blog. Truth be told, I was going to post the log beforehand. Basically, I figured it would be an outlet to all the craziness that follows me and I promise...It does follow me.

Anyway, at this current point in my life, I am dying. Slowly but surely, I am dying. It all started about a month ago just like this...

Body: So I was thinking it's about that time that we do that whole sick thing...

Mind: Actually, you think maybe we could skip that this time around? I promise we can do it next time...

Body: Er...Okay. Well, I guess we'll interact later when you wake up.