How I see it all...

I wake in a world so bright. The thoughts rush my mind before I can even begin to remember who I am. Did I sleep well? Did I dream? What of the world today? What of this "now" can I hope to capture when it floods out from within before my eyes even open? How can I begin to try and write the past when I don't see where it started? I understand. My voice is not gone because of lack of clarity and vision. My voice is gone because things are clearer now and seen more than they ever have been before. It's a sensory overload. There is no room to remember when the incessant flow of the "now" and "will be" overwhelms all that I am able to comprehend. Must I be broken and without to be able to voice all that know? Even now I must close my eyes and dampen my hearing in order to bring forth these thoughts. I think I am ready.

I started in a world where all are expected to fail. It's nothing personal. It's just the way some cards are dealt. To bear a sense of order in all of society, people like me need to exist. To advance in life, you need stepping stones. I was a stepping stone once.

I guess that looking up into the soles of the shoes all around wasn't the plan. I guess someone wanted to see what happens when you give the ants something to fight back with. "Statistics show that despite what we provide for them, they will still fall in line with where they have come from. They will still fail, even with the tools that we have given them to succeed." Was I statistic? Will I fail like the other 97 around me are predicted to do? Perhaps.

My mother will die. That's what I was told. I didn't care. The people that came to me seemed nice. They gave me things that captured my attention and took me away from the world I was in.

I don't know what happened next but I do remember that my new home was nice. There were trees and a large yard to play in. I didn't see my neighbors because of a huge privacy fence. The new house smelled different. Actually, everything smelled different. It was an entirely new world. Who was Mrs. Green?

They said that this man was a doctor. He was going to be able to tell me what was wrong with me. I didn't know that there was anything wrong with me. He had a really neat pen that had a ball of blue liquid on top of it that would bubble when you held it. We played board games and he liked to talk. I took a nap every time I went to see him. I remember waking up one time after having a terrible dream that my brother and sister and I were all naked together. I think that another man was touching us.

School was interesting. I didn't know that it cost so much to go. The school I went to when I lived back there was free wasn't it? This new place with my grandparents was certainly much different.

I still see the doctor once a week. We play games still but he wants me to sleep more and more when I come to visit. He calls it hypnosis and tells me that I can play with the nifty pen when we're done. I wake up and he asks me to wait right outside while he talks to my grandmother. I ask my grandmother who Mrs. Green is. She says that we can have McDonald's now. I like McDonald's.

I turned 9 years old today. My grandfather got me a watch that was even waterproof. I met a friend at a lake but I couldn't find my way home so he had to take me. He said we had a nice house. I told him that I would ask if he could come over sometime to play.

I got my report card today. I got straight A's and my grandparents were happy. They told me that they were happy that I enjoyed school. I only had one friend at school. Michael. He taught me how to draw tornadoes. He could draw really well. I preferred to read while he drew as the other kids played soccer. I didn't enjoy the other kids. I was much faster and stronger than they were. It got boring very quickly.

I didn't have to go see the doctor anymore. I guess I wasn't sick after all. I wasn't happy that I wasn't going to be able to play with the pen anymore. I still didn't know who Mrs. Green was.

My friend that I met at the lake turned out to be a great guy. We would go fishing whenever my grandparents would let me. I was older than he was. He knew all about the area we would play in. His mom was really nice too but his father drank a lot of beer. I didn't like the smell of beer.

Summer came and I was excited that vacation was going to begin. I could go fishing every day!

I was told that school was starting in just a week. What about summer vacation? This place that my grandparents lived in was different. I had to go to a different school during summer break here. I didn't know why.

We flew for what seemed like forever to come to this new school. Planes weren't as scary as I thought. All of the people here talked funny. I arrived at my new school and was shown to my room. I had my own room at a school? What kind of school was this?