How I see it all...

I had bit of a revelation yesterday...You all know that there are some minds that I simply cannot read no matter how much I long to. Due to this, I am left in assumption and we all know what they say about that. Perhaps words can now be spoken instead?

As for words, that's another story. I was once told that the way we place together our thoughts in writing should be much the same as we speak them. I usually find this to be true but lately, I have been complaining that it seems that my "pen" has been stolen from right under me. I had a bit of a thought in that perhaps it was the social display that I have been taking in all around me that was causing this inability to pronounce what it is that I wish to push out. So in that, is there anything that any of you listen to that helps you to write? I can only hope that I'll be able to recapture my eloquence. If that never happens, perhaps I'll find something else that I can speak through.

I've stepped away from this for a while now. I really can't seem to muster the thoughts needed to write something from within when I can't truly voice anything I'm feeling. I think I jumped on at this moment because I can actually feel the bubbling of a sensation that I imagined would come much sooner. It's strange that I can feel it despite being on the run with work and scheduling and such. However, here it is...

About a week ago, I watched my best friend walk through the gates to go back to a place that I'm sure she loves. I can't help but to wonder now when she assured me that passing everything up for me was completely worth it all though. I mean, it couldn't be right? How can you sacrifice something that you care so much about in place of something that's just a surreal moment in ones life? It was surreal right? I'm not saying that I'm not happy because I am and I wonder if those of you that read this will ask about the depth of what I profess. I mean it all though. It's a strange rush of I don't know what. I reflect back on it and it makes me happy. I have a burn on my arm that I can smile at. I have a knee that is cramped but it isn't really noticed because I have a hand holding mine as the world passes by at 90 miles an hour. I have vomit on a wall but that's okay because we're all in touch with one another. What binds us in this world? What causes us to feel and to bear sentiment towards a person and our experiences? I think it's an unexplainable force called love. If that's it, then I do love. I was recently told that I don't feel. I don't know what it is that drives me then if that's not it. It's an arrow in life that flies in the direction that it's pointed and I have no choice but to follow. Much of this will probably be passed aside in thought as it makes no sense but I think it's the best that I can muster in these moments of the drowning white that seems to consume my thoughts. I will try however to fight for the surface that I know exists. The world around me has seen it and I beg you all to not forget me or forget who I am. It may be getting boring by now but there is still much to know in all aspects. I have fallen and I like where it is. If my world is rushing by too quickly, call out for me and I will try to take you along. If it's a place you don't wish to go, then I'll do all that I can to wait. And even now, this white clouds me. A message has arrived from someone. I haven't checked it yet...But my cage has beckoned and I have no choice but to enter. I'll check it and then lose you now...The feeling is already fading and I suppose that's a good thing for the moment. Remember to smile for me as it makes my day. I might not be able to cry out or even simply cry at all...Until next time...Do not let me be forgotten. Though flickering, I still burn.

I wake in a world so bright. The thoughts rush my mind before I can even begin to remember who I am. Did I sleep well? Did I dream? What of the world today? What of this "now" can I hope to capture when it floods out from within before my eyes even open? How can I begin to try and write the past when I don't see where it started? I understand. My voice is not gone because of lack of clarity and vision. My voice is gone because things are clearer now and seen more than they ever have been before. It's a sensory overload. There is no room to remember when the incessant flow of the "now" and "will be" overwhelms all that I am able to comprehend. Must I be broken and without to be able to voice all that know? Even now I must close my eyes and dampen my hearing in order to bring forth these thoughts. I think I am ready.

I started in a world where all are expected to fail. It's nothing personal. It's just the way some cards are dealt. To bear a sense of order in all of society, people like me need to exist. To advance in life, you need stepping stones. I was a stepping stone once.

I guess that looking up into the soles of the shoes all around wasn't the plan. I guess someone wanted to see what happens when you give the ants something to fight back with. "Statistics show that despite what we provide for them, they will still fall in line with where they have come from. They will still fail, even with the tools that we have given them to succeed." Was I statistic? Will I fail like the other 97 around me are predicted to do? Perhaps.

My mother will die. That's what I was told. I didn't care. The people that came to me seemed nice. They gave me things that captured my attention and took me away from the world I was in.

I don't know what happened next but I do remember that my new home was nice. There were trees and a large yard to play in. I didn't see my neighbors because of a huge privacy fence. The new house smelled different. Actually, everything smelled different. It was an entirely new world. Who was Mrs. Green?

They said that this man was a doctor. He was going to be able to tell me what was wrong with me. I didn't know that there was anything wrong with me. He had a really neat pen that had a ball of blue liquid on top of it that would bubble when you held it. We played board games and he liked to talk. I took a nap every time I went to see him. I remember waking up one time after having a terrible dream that my brother and sister and I were all naked together. I think that another man was touching us.

School was interesting. I didn't know that it cost so much to go. The school I went to when I lived back there was free wasn't it? This new place with my grandparents was certainly much different.

I still see the doctor once a week. We play games still but he wants me to sleep more and more when I come to visit. He calls it hypnosis and tells me that I can play with the nifty pen when we're done. I wake up and he asks me to wait right outside while he talks to my grandmother. I ask my grandmother who Mrs. Green is. She says that we can have McDonald's now. I like McDonald's.

I turned 9 years old today. My grandfather got me a watch that was even waterproof. I met a friend at a lake but I couldn't find my way home so he had to take me. He said we had a nice house. I told him that I would ask if he could come over sometime to play.

I got my report card today. I got straight A's and my grandparents were happy. They told me that they were happy that I enjoyed school. I only had one friend at school. Michael. He taught me how to draw tornadoes. He could draw really well. I preferred to read while he drew as the other kids played soccer. I didn't enjoy the other kids. I was much faster and stronger than they were. It got boring very quickly.

I didn't have to go see the doctor anymore. I guess I wasn't sick after all. I wasn't happy that I wasn't going to be able to play with the pen anymore. I still didn't know who Mrs. Green was.

My friend that I met at the lake turned out to be a great guy. We would go fishing whenever my grandparents would let me. I was older than he was. He knew all about the area we would play in. His mom was really nice too but his father drank a lot of beer. I didn't like the smell of beer.

Summer came and I was excited that vacation was going to begin. I could go fishing every day!

I was told that school was starting in just a week. What about summer vacation? This place that my grandparents lived in was different. I had to go to a different school during summer break here. I didn't know why.

We flew for what seemed like forever to come to this new school. Planes weren't as scary as I thought. All of the people here talked funny. I arrived at my new school and was shown to my room. I had my own room at a school? What kind of school was this?

So last night was definitely not carried out as expected. I truly did have the intention to attend my event, bowl super well, win a million dollars, drink a bit and then, go home. It didn't exactly happen like that but I'm not complaining.

Rewinding a bit. Anyone that bothers to read this knows that I am having some..."troubles" per se. Ever notice that you feel that there is a task that you need to carry out but no matter how good your intentions, it's not going as planned? That's the case here for me. I'm in a relationship with my best friend and simply recognizing the differences there begs me to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole thing. Can you imagine loving someone and truly believing that you're in love with them for who they are but know that despite this, you aren't for them? I think that's the thing that I have been responsible enough to recognize and even mustered the courage to take action in trying to make sure that preservation of that friendship takes place...

Hours have passed since I have set to writing this. I'll have to re-organize my thoughts and come back to this. I'm sorry.

I want pizza and books...

Is it bad that I wake each day not remembering where I was or who I was with but then when the fog clears, I almost wish that I could curl back up into it? I dream of something that's from time past and I'm not sure how to go about retrieving it for the here and now. I suppose I'll just have to fondly remember it and live within my dreams...Cheesy, I know. However, I am sitting here with my legs aching for some unknown reason and pondering why in the world a friend of mine is insisting on sending me text messages about being gay with Kenyans. Hinder- Get Stoned is also going off in the background and though it makes it hard to think, I guess it's something to take my reeling mind off of the world and the current events. I know I'm avoiding the most prominent thoughts in my mind but I think I'm currently at a standstill in what to say or do about it all. I know it's chip choppy but I'm going to go at that. I can't think. I pray maybe that a late night discovery of my mind will encourage me to pick back up.

I wake up this morning to eyes looking over me from across the room. As she sat there and stared, she simply said "You're in Trouble." Someone recently had a debate with me about the importance of honesty and though we all have different perspectives of the world, it is important that we communicate openly with those that matter to us. I will be truthful in confessing that I will lie if I feel that there is need. That I aside, I plunged into the matter of explaining that actuality of everything and my reason for doing that which I do.

Here in this very moment, I realize that this may very well turn into a journal. I have been wanting to find the means to type out my feelings all day but my thoughts seem to have been locked away in a box that's been buried into infinite depths. Here's my attempt.

Under a gray filled sky, I made the call and said I wouldn't be there. I needed time to myself. She said she understood and quickly faded away.

I couldn't hear what she was saying. I needed to run and breathe. When I came back, she was a million miles away.

As we talked in the living room, I told her I would be leaving. I wouldn't ever be back. She cried but knew that asking me to stay wouldn't change the reality of the matter.

I walked with her down the road and thought "C'est ma faut..." Tears streamed down her face but I couldn't tell as they were hidden by the rain.

What binds our hearts together and what force is there that tears them back apart? I have known love in the past and I know it now. Despite our experiences, do we ever truly understand it? Sometimes I will be asked "Do you love me? Are you in love with me? Why do you love me? How do you know?" I never know of an answer that's good enough. Is there a word or a description that can encompass this feeling and be spoken as a sufficient reply?

My breath catches in my chest. Subconsciously, I'm following you with my eyes as I'm entranced by the very idea that you exist. I hear your voice above all others though it was only a brief whisper. I'm pleased when you lock eyes but I blush on the inside and hope that I meet your approval. When you're away, time drags by til next we meet.

Why must humans love? Despite creating the happiest moments in a life, it brings forth complications that are enormous when compared to the trials of one that walks alone. I suppose it's a good thing that this pair of souls will be there to stand together through it.

Sadly, the divorce rate is incredibly high. I suppose that the whole "Til death do us part" for some isn't as serious as it needs to be. What would you do if you were immortal?



I'm very sorry. My words are coming out as sludge and I can't seem to organize my thoughts. It's as if the intended eloquence is being blended with trash and spewed from a hose all over this. I'll try another time when I am able to focus.

So i totally understand the high school girl bit thing now. I totally have it. It was totally awesome to actually dive into a pool, surface naked, and nearly drowning due to the absolute lack of heat. Then, to sit and confess everything and feel completely right about it? Priceless. Following that, I ingested a chicken on a bun that was determined to cover me in sauce.. Next, we began the adventures home. Overall, nothing was accomplished. That aside, my world is a MUCH better place.

"dfljkshdfjklafhad" just for you.

PS, turn it off by holding the power button at the top until it askes if you want to turn it off.

Good night world.
=(^_^)=

I'm sitting here in the office today as Stephanie dances and pets me and decided that I would create a blog. Truth be told, I was going to post the log beforehand. Basically, I figured it would be an outlet to all the craziness that follows me and I promise...It does follow me.

Anyway, at this current point in my life, I am dying. Slowly but surely, I am dying. It all started about a month ago just like this...

Body: So I was thinking it's about that time that we do that whole sick thing...

Mind: Actually, you think maybe we could skip that this time around? I promise we can do it next time...

Body: Er...Okay. Well, I guess we'll interact later when you wake up.