How I see it all...

I can't just say no...I mean, the whole world of my peers tells me that it's a bad idea. Even my mind is reeling with the bad outcome that this could have. I have to stay strong and keep up the brick wall that assures the world looking into me, especially her, that I am certain that this is an okay thing.

NO! This can't be. Gah. I mean, what am I supposed to think in the matter?

Taking a look into your history John, what do we see?

Oh yeah...that...and that...and that too.

C'mon John. It's a different situation right?

No.

Okay but you do have faith in her as a person right?

Yes...Of course I do...It's just...

Just what?

Well, no one is infallible...

Yeah...I suppose so but...I mean, I want her and I need her to face this. I guess that there's a couple of different ways that this could pan out...

On one hand, she returns to this place that she has known to arms, that may or may not want her and then realizes that this is what she has been missing for so long. It's the easier route in the worldly sense. In that, there's more to claim and a smoother transition into each new experience as this is something that has been running for quite some time. She returns to you to tell you this and then you fade into the world of countless voices.

Wait wait...What about fighting for her? You know, "fight a bitch"?

Her call really. You know us. We're the kind of person that will allow a soul to take whatever it wants as it pleases. However, we wont let it have us at the same time that is desires something else.

Yeah yeah, I know. If she wants something else, then she can't have us too...

Right. Now, on the other hand it could go something like this.

She returns to the situation and sees what it is that's being played forth and then realizes that there's something elsewhere that she is holding on to. In realizing this, she could either stay in an uncommitted to the moment sense or simply walk away. In either case, it will be a defining moment for a pathway in the future.

How so?

Well, either she realizes that she can or cannot be friends with this person...Or she decides that she wants the old feelings again...That she wants more than the friendship, and the warmth of something old and familiar.

Lovely.

Yeah...So...now what?

I suppose you sit back, be a brick wall and say that you're not concerned one bit and see how it plays out.

"I want you and all that you are. I cannot imagine anything that I want more. There's still this part of me that has him as the person that I'll end up with."


I can understand this. It truly is a sentiment and a vision that we may have held for so long within ourselves. Once that isn't the case anymore, no matter what reality is, we can't see ourselves in something else for a while.


"Humans are creatures of sentiment - yes, I know. Honestly... fuck... I can't trust myself in the situations that I may have been put in. Main reason I didn't go. I don't know what I'd be capable of seeing through intuition and reading him in the situation. I don't know what I'd be able to avoid. Most of all... I don't know how I feel about him anymore."


I'm not sure what to tell you about your insecurities in yourself control...I appreciate that you didn't go knowing this. As for not knowing how you feel...I think that's the bigger issue.


"I know now that you'll be worrying about everything. As I have faith in you, please keep your faith in me."


Absolutely. I would be telling a lie if I said that I wouldn't be worrying...I just can't show it...I have to be secure in myself and tell myself that everything will be okay. I have faith in you.


"Please know that it is just my ... I don't know, sentiment? That's not even right... I have no idea what it is."


I think that it probably is what can best be described as sentiment...If it's not...then...I don't know.


"I know I love you so that it scares me. I don't want to get hurt and I know now that it's unavoidable. I've tried to keep myself detached as much as possible. Yes, that's beyond fucked up - but it's true. I've tried to make sure that I would be okay with you leaving, with us ending. I've tried to make sure that you wouldn't get into the inner chambers of my heart so that I could be safe from your nomad lifestyle and seemingly fleeting desires."


I'm not entirely sure what to say about this...I give myself over completely so that in seeing who we are as people, we can decide what's worth holding on to and what's not. It is a nomadic lifestyle I think...I don't think I've ever explained to you that I need an anchor to keep me somewhere. I've not truly experienced "home" in a while. There's the saying "Home is where your heart is." That's true for me in this case. When my heart isn't there anymore, it's time for a new home. I don't choose though...


"For someone to be your primary - you need the proximity of them and them not to push you away. The thing is, she never did. She may have wanted Virginia more, but she didn't push you away. She was willing to do what it took to keep you. So how on Earth can you say that she didn't want you? That she was done? The whole situation with her - the husband, the other girl the cheating and haphazardness of it all... it just is so fucked up I can't fathom it. Yet, you seem .... okay with it all."


She did want Virginia...maybe not more now that I think about it. She wasn't willing to do what it took to keep me either. She wasn't willing to be mine entirely. I was willing to be hers in all accounts. No ghosts of my past to linger in our moments of now. No sentiment for something in the past. No desires for anything other than the now and what it could become. As for me being okay with it, I sometimes question my ability to feel anything other than love. I know pain, yes...But it's such a gray thing to me that I don't even recognize it sometimes. Everything else...falls short.


"It felt so weird to tell him. . . Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I love him. It was like a ... heat came over me and my stomach got this hollow feeling my heart sunk into. It doesn't make any sense! I hate myself. For everything. For not being strong enough to hold myself together, for having those fleeting thoughts, for letting you down, for not being like I should, for holding myself back, for not being what you need."


You're everything I need. In your thought of falling short here, also consider what you are doing elsewhere that is above and beyond. If you're uncomfortable with the idea here as you may be...Eliminate it.


"Can a heart have two parallel desires? I've argued no, I've argued yes. I told you no, it can't. Truth is, it might be possible. It'd be easier to tell if I knew what my parallel desires were."


We know that it can. Example: Now.


"I wish that there wasn't that damned shadow lurking over every one of my actions. It's been there the whole time, and you mentioned you felt it too. What is it? Why is it? More importantly, how do we kill it? Do we just continue on our path, our way, and it will dissipate over time?"


It saddens me to say this but no...Time doesn't really fix it. You need to face it. It might turn out where you want to be. It might turn out to be something you really don't want. In either case, you need to make up your mind right then. Walk away forever or run back with open arms.


"You know my insecurities... I found it so .. strange that you wanted to know so bad. Mayhap it was just you trying to get a full understanding of who I am. Knowing someone's weakness is a definite part of knowing them. I only know that you don't like the Willamette River. That enough dairy in a quick enough time has a chance of wrecking you. You have no insecurities about yourself. Not that you should, you're beautiful and amazing."


I wanted to know so that I would have a closer bond with you in that you were open with me and that I could assure you in all points that there is nothing to worry about in yourself. As for my own insecurities, I don't think I have any physical ones...Generally I think this is due to the fact that the human body means very little to me.


"I want you. Just so you know. Just so you can't leave me thinking that I want something else more, that I don't really want you. I don't think you can since you say that you can't read me and all. Does that mean I get to keep you? I want to. I..."

You don't need to want something else more. All you need to want is something else. Period...

Someone suggested that maybe it was a rip in time that we've fallen into that leads us to where where are now. Perhaps it's just the two of us watching the rest of the world pass us by oh so slowly wherein our own sense of reality is zipping away at speeds unimaginable. I would argue that it really doesn't matter though. Am I happy? Yes. Do I feel whole? Yes. Why am I still wanting? I don't know...Actually, I have a couple of ideas. It seems that our world is broken into tiny little facets that reflect what each angle of our lives face and are drawn upon. It's a little bit sad to think that there isn't a single point that doesn't involve money. Was there ever a point in our world when this wasn't the case? Was there ever a time when simple things like love, hope, direction, or happiness were ever sustained on something else? Faith perhaps? It seems that these days that faith is a dying idea that is only held as an unobtainable concept. I was created into this reality with one objective.

This is my new blog entry but I want to save the details for after tonight. I will be back. I promise!

Birthdays and information and music and thoughts and sex and food and laundry and then dishes and money and candles and cats and jobs. Tabbed browsing much? I'd say so. It's a muddled mess of things up there. Then again, muddled sounds so passive. A still puddle that's been recently stirred so that the mess below darkens the water so that you can't see your reflection on the surface. That's not what this is at all then. This is a torrential series of rapids that crash upon the rocks of the world. There's far too many droplets of thought splashing this way and that to even try to gather it all up into something organized. I suppose I'll just settle for what I can.

As it seems that I can't really write about anything by true words and images, I have to settle to voice it all by secondary thoughts and what it reminds me of. Feelings. How do we paint them out beyond just simply saying it.

I think that as I'm super busy (sarcasm) on this lovely April Fools Day, I'll take a moment to write a blog entry about I don't know what. Actually, now that I think about it, I think I'll write about some people I know. I'm sure you'll figure out which one you are if you're included.

You're supposed to be so much more but you don't seem to have a drive for anything else. I mean, I suppose you could truly be completely content with your existence but it just doesn't seem to make sense. Seriously? You're going to live forever and that's how you want to do it? To each their own I suppose. Lately, you've been worrying me. I know that you said you're drowning but there isn't anything there that compels me to save you...I don't think you even care about anything outside of your world anymore. I don't know how it got that way but I suppose you'll either one day wake up and realize that you're completely alone...or you won't. I can't say I blame you sometimes. Humanity as it is tends to be rather depressing. No matter what we do to save them, they keep digging deeper and deeper into their troubles. I suppose that each of us could say the same of ourselves though. In any event, as the moments pass, I feel that you are more and more detached from me as I am from you. Time off seems like a good idea now as there isn't much we can do to come to terms with appreciation of one another. I wish you the best of luck in your future edeavors and I know we'll pass again. We're eternal.

I sometimes wish that you could be part of my world. I know that your eyes look upon it from time to time. You're a beautiful creature in that you're so frail in the physical sense but I commend you greatly on the point that you have stuck around for so long. I know it's often difficult for me to be able to discern the sensation of the love that I feel for you as a friend and that as a lover. I think I may have finally managed to coordinate some control over that recently and though I'm sometimes left wondering, I know that it's better this way. I know you can't wait forever and I really don't expect you to. I suppose I'm simply taking your time for granted sometimes.

**Meeting** Finish later.