I don't want this to end but I'm drowning. I get the feeling that you might be too. I think that the moment I pass through my own doorway each day, the weight of it all crushes down on me and I literally physically ache. I understand that a huge percentage of marriages end due to conflicts of perspective on money. I don't want to be one of those people. I can't help but to slip on my faith from time to time and wonder if we should save ourselves thousands of dollars now instead of it costing us so much more later. I don't want to be broken and it sits so heavily on me to think that I might very well be breaking you. Looking back on it, I don't think a single promise of yours has been upheld...I mean, even the most simple things have fallen through the cracks. Do I make you feel unloved every day? Do I appear to you as a warden of a prison from time to time? What else can I give you without losing myself in the process? I realize that you have made sacrifice for me and I hope that when you look back that you'll see that I have also given up much for you. You see, when you first began to love me, you were looking at an entirely different person than what you have now. I wish so much that many of the things about me might have been preserved but you demanded that they be let go. I have redefined my entire perspective of life just to continue holding on to your love. My values have changed so much that I often come to disagreement with myself in simple choices. I look into the mirror and watch myself fade. I'm not sure what these thoughts could even do for anyone except to perhaps give myself a marking point in time. I hope that I'll see the results of this timeline go on to a wonderful place but I can't help but to see that explained gloom that passes over at the moment of "Hello" as I enter my home. I don't want to lose you as I run but I do know that I want to be free. I just wish that I could have you as my lover, my friend, and as my wife. Instead, I think I have a master, an opponent, and an assailant.
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I read this and can't help think that if all these things you say reflect what you truly feel than we are already finished.
I am nothing more than your lover, your friend. I give you more than is even mine to give, and all you do is take. Yet you are still unsatisfied? Yet you still require more from me.
I have bent and broken more than you can imagine to fit you into my field of realm. To make my perspective something that can be with you and love you rather than despise what you are. Yet you complain about the minimal things you have had to give up. Such trivalities, yet I am breaking my core.
You say I've never held a promise...yet you can't think of a single one ever broken. Perhaps that is because there is not one. However, I can write a novel of all the things you have sworn and promised and failed. I give you so much on your word, yet your word continously falls through. You continously let me down, fail to hold up your end of deals, your end of responsibility, your end of our relationship.
I put in so terribly much more than I receive from this relationship. With that same breath, you receive so terribly much more than you are willing to give.
If you honestly consider me a master, opponent, or assailant -- then we are no more. I have been nothing more than your lover, your friend, your conscious and guide at times. Shame on you for thinking it is anything less, or more.
I am irrevocably and inexpressively disappointed in you.
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