How I see it all...

Love. A token of endorsement from one soul to another. A vivified moment in the passing breaths of our limited reality. Despite our very nature to challenge, to rise up, to conquer, to destroy; There is love. I ponder both the quantity and quality of this seemingly fleeting concept. What is more important to sustain? A million whispers taken in faith or the shocking few seconds between two lost in passion...Are they as separate dishes all from the same platter of nourishment for life?

So we did it. We tied the knot. I'm married. A lot of people were asking me if I was excited before the whole event. I wasn't really sure what to say other than that I was terrified. Now that I look back on it, I think I was just worried of all the things that might go wrong. In the end, it worked out just fine. Now, some folks are asking me if it feels any different. I'd have to say no. Really, I think that that if anything in the relation ship has changed at all, it would be this sort of renewed spark. Then again, there is a ring on my finger that makes it terribly difficult to do the things that I used to do comfortably. I'm left handed. Anyway, I've just been kicking back and enjoying the waking moments of a married life. I have a ton of jelly beans to eat and a bunch of thank you cards to write and send out. In the end, I just really appreciate all the support from the people that helped make this happen. The love was already there but without you guys, it could have never been celebrated in the way that it was.

I don't want this to end but I'm drowning. I get the feeling that you might be too. I think that the moment I pass through my own doorway each day, the weight of it all crushes down on me and I literally physically ache. I understand that a huge percentage of marriages end due to conflicts of perspective on money. I don't want to be one of those people. I can't help but to slip on my faith from time to time and wonder if we should save ourselves thousands of dollars now instead of it costing us so much more later. I don't want to be broken and it sits so heavily on me to think that I might very well be breaking you. Looking back on it, I don't think a single promise of yours has been upheld...I mean, even the most simple things have fallen through the cracks. Do I make you feel unloved every day? Do I appear to you as a warden of a prison from time to time? What else can I give you without losing myself in the process? I realize that you have made sacrifice for me and I hope that when you look back that you'll see that I have also given up much for you. You see, when you first began to love me, you were looking at an entirely different person than what you have now. I wish so much that many of the things about me might have been preserved but you demanded that they be let go. I have redefined my entire perspective of life just to continue holding on to your love. My values have changed so much that I often come to disagreement with myself in simple choices. I look into the mirror and watch myself fade. I'm not sure what these thoughts could even do for anyone except to perhaps give myself a marking point in time. I hope that I'll see the results of this timeline go on to a wonderful place but I can't help but to see that explained gloom that passes over at the moment of "Hello" as I enter my home. I don't want to lose you as I run but I do know that I want to be free. I just wish that I could have you as my lover, my friend, and as my wife. Instead, I think I have a master, an opponent, and an assailant.

So, I'm sitting here at work. I actually wish we would have back to back calls or something going on. For the last few days, they have been doing MTO and VTO out the yang. Yeah...Not something I would expect seeing as how when I was hired on a short time ago, we were in mandatory overtime. Anyway, now it's slow enough that I can sit here and write this blog. I've read all of twitter, reader, news etc. I even took the time to build a Nintendo DS that Dan had an unfortunate experience with. In any event, I think I'm just waiting for the weekend. This Sunday I'm scheduled to head up into the mountains to hang out with some friends. I wonder how possible it would be to just go up and camp out there. I think I might do that actually...I'm gonna get on to planning that. Anyway...I guess that's all of my rant for the time being. I love you world...Or rather, those of you reading this. As for the world, I'm simply tired. That's okay though. I'm sure it's mutual.

I'm ever so slowly starting to write again. Some would be pleased at this development but I hold to myself a bit of reserve. There have been moments in my life when the quill of today's age flew across the pages with my words so clearly voiced for the world to interpret. As revealing as these moments in my past have been, I can't help but to realize that each of these times have been in an emotional turmoil. I can't say that I feel unhappy or depressed. She calls it "sensitive". I call it annoying. Yes. Of course I'm sensitive. Who isn't when they're constantly prodded on one direction or another and they have no idea where they truly want to go? I have my beliefs and I hold fast to my efforts....Where will they take me though? Will my faith be enough when that of those whom surround me is found to be waning? Who knows. As I see it, it's just another day. Three days from now should be lovely. Let's hope that it goes well. I love you world.

I don't think that it will matter either way you know? It's like, for every single right that you do, there's always going to be that one wrong that comes and washes it all away. It's supposed to be one of those things that makes someone smile...Instead, there's the yelling and disagreement. They try so hard to make you happy and then when it happens, somehow you weren't worth it...Maybe just not planned. One effort that you take pulls away from another moment and somehow one or the other wasn't good enough. I think it's really just a whirl of numbers that keep us in a constant contradiction.
I want but I won't...I see but can't understand...I hear but I wasn't listening...
It's a fickle thing you know? I guess I'll just get out another brush. I have plenty of paint remaining. This is my picture. Come paint with me. We'll cover our canvases until there's nothing left to understand.

The buildings out the window are beginning to glow as the sun peeks through the trees to paint the walls beyond. There isn't anyone on the street yet. I suppose that they're all curled up in their beds to pass the day away. How unfortunate. I only wish that I could leave this place to go out amongst the unknown. I haven't stepped into something unfamiliar in quite some time. I'm actually fairly excited about today...I have a new present, something undiscovered. I'll go see that later. I am almost willing to fly out of this window and head downtown. There's an event taking place at the Expo Center. I've never been. It's not so much that I want to go for the event but that I haven't been there before. I don't want to drive around lost but I certainly don't mind walking. Anyway, maybe they'll ask me to leave today. One can dream. A clear day here is hard to find. Maybe it will be mine before too long. I love you world. It's such a shame that you're going to waste.